Blog
The Case for Individual Work Before Couples Therapy: A Psychodynamic Perspective
October 21, 2024
Five minutes
Tim Collier
In my consulting room, I increasingly see couples seeking therapy to address relationship challenges. While this desire to work on their connection is admirable, I often find myself wondering whether beginning with couples work is truly the most helpful starting point. Drawing from psychodynamic theory and clinical experience, I've observed that individual therapy often provides essential groundwork for more meaningful couples work later.
The Mirror of Relationships
Relationships serve as powerful mirrors, reflecting not just our present selves, but our histories, attachment patterns, and unconscious dynamics. When couples arrive in therapy together, they often feel their difficulties stem purely from their interactions. However, what emerges is typically more complex—a mix of individual histories, unconscious patterns, and relational dynamics.
Consider Sarah and Michael (composite patients). They sought couples therapy for what they termed communication issues. As we worked together, it became clear that Sarah's difficulty expressing needs stemmed from early experiences where her emotional expressions were met with criticism. Meanwhile, Michael's tendency to withdraw during conflicts reflected his childhood role as a peacekeeper in a volatile family environment. Their communication issue was actually an intricate dance of individual patterns playing out in their shared space.
The Value of Individual Work
Individual therapy provides a unique container for exploring these personal patterns before they become entangled in couples work. This exploration involves:
Developing awareness of one's emotional landscape.
Understanding how early relationships shape current patterns.
Working through unresolved trauma or attachment difficulties.
Building capacity for self-reflection and emotional regulation.
Most importantly, individual therapy offers something couples work cannot—a space where one's own experience can be central without consideration of a partner's immediate needs or reactions.
When Personal Histories Hijack the Present
In psychodynamic thinking, we understand that our past relationships create templates for current ones. These templates operate largely outside our awareness, yet powerfully influence our interactions. Individual therapy helps bring these patterns into consciousness, where they can be examined and gradually transformed.
For instance, someone who experienced emotional abandonment might unconsciously test their partner's commitment by pushing them away. Without understanding this dynamic, couples therapy might focus solely on the surface behaviour rather than its deeper origins.
The Limitations of Starting with Couples Work
While couples therapy offers valuable tools for improving communication and understanding patterns, it can face significant challenges when individual issues remain unaddressed. These might include:
Unprocessed trauma responses being experienced in sessions.
Difficulty maintaining emotional regulation when discussing sensitive topics.
Unconscious resistance to change due to unexamined personal patterns.
Limited capacity for empathy due to unmet personal needs.
Building a Foundation: The Sequential Approach
A sequential approach—beginning with individual therapy before moving to couples work—often proves most effective. This allows each partner to:
Develop emotional awareness and regulation skills.
Understand their contribution to relational patterns.
Work through personal obstacles to intimacy.
Build capacity for authentic engagement.
When both partners have engaged in this foundational work, couples therapy can focus more effectively on building new patterns of interaction, rather than constantly managing individual crises.
The Role of the Unconscious in Relationships
Psychodynamic theory emphasises that much of what drives our relationship patterns operates outside our awareness. Individual therapy provides a space to gradually bring these unconscious patterns into consciousness. This process often reveals how current relationship difficulties may be attempts to resolve much earlier relational wounds.
Moving Forward
While the desire to immediately address relationship difficulties through couples therapy is understandable, taking time for individual work often proves useful. This doesn't mean couples must spend years in individual therapy before addressing their relationship—rather, it suggests the importance of creating space for personal growth alongside relationship work.
Conclusion
The journey toward healthier relationships often begins with understanding ourselves. Individual therapy, particularly from a psychodynamic perspective, offers a unique opportunity to explore and transform the patterns that shape our relationships. While couples therapy remains a valuable therapeutic space, building a foundation through individual work can create the conditions for more meaningful and lasting change in relationships.
Starting with individual therapy isn't about delaying relationship work—it's about creating the strongest possible foundation for it. When we understand ourselves better, we bring more awareness, compassion, and capacity for genuine intimacy to our relationships.
Tim Collier is a psychologist at Victorian Psychology Group—a psychology practice in Camberwell, Victoria. With training in clinical psychology, Tim works with older adolescents and adults, supporting them with a range of mental health concerns.